Megan Fox is not that hot

Ok, I know I've written articles on how hot Megan Fox is. I've also written conservative articles, stuff about circuit bending, and health-related pieces about the value of holistic medicine. I write what I'm paid to write. But not here. Here, I tell the truth.

I'm sure that most of the men reading this have a big question mark floating over their heads, or maybe a thought bubble that reads "this dude me must be gay/into bestiality/ a vegisexual." But no, I like women. Women. Not mannequins, not dolls, not cardboard cutouts of beautiful women. Actual, flesh-and-blood women.

As blasphemous as it may be to impugn the hotness of the recently-crowned queen of science fiction (a dubious honor on a number of levels), I have to say, she doesn't really do it for me. Man, it feels good to get that off my chest. Here are a few reasons I simply don't agree with most of my fellow nerds:

1) She looks like she's made of plastic.
I mean, there's no denying that she's pretty. She is. There's also no denying that sugar is sweet and tasty, but I wouldn't want to eat a whole bowl of it for breakfast. I wouldn't want to be with a Barbie Doll, even for one night. If you look at picture of her before she had her face and tits done, you'd see that she was already a remarkably beautiful young woman who didn't particularly need the work. Mark my words, in a few years, it's going to backfire on her, and she will be the new posterchild of surgi-face.

2) She always looks kinda greasy. 
I was actually looking for a photo of her without makeup to help bolster my case, and to my surprise, there were none to be found. Maybe I didn't look hard enough, but in any case, yikes. There's always this coat of schtuff™ on her face and parts that are showing, and I just find that odd. I feel like she'd have a salty, metallic taste if you put your tongue on her.

3) She's fucking dumb. 
I understand that intelligence is not a criterion of hotness for most guys, but for me, it does factor in. She was nothing before Transformers, and I suspect that when the franchise has been milked dry, she'll be nothing again. Still, it didn't stop her from comparing Michael Bay to Hitler. I know his films are bad, but jeez, Hitler? If you're too stupid to think that the Don't-Shit-Where-You-Eat rule doesn't apply to you, really, you should be the last person on Earth with your genes. Unfortunately, someone (probably also an idiot) will knock her up and make a baby with good looks and nothing between the ears. In her defense, he often gives interviews saying that she wants less sexualized roles, and isn't afraid to speak up about her intelligence. Usually, these are not read, and greater attention is paid to the hyper sexualized photos that accompany them.

4) Her tattoos are gross. 
This is less of a complaint about her than bad tattoos, but unfortunately, she has them. Now, if you have awful and clearly visible tattoos, let me be clear: I'm also insulting you. If you have a yin-yang tattoo, you better be a fucking Taoist. If you have a Chinese character on your neck, you're either Chinese or an ass, but possibly both. If you have a tattoo of a celebrity, thanks for the laughs.

So bottom line: yeah, she's physically attractive. To address the conventional litmus test in these situations, I wouldn't kick her out of bed. That doesn't say much for me; you'd be hard-pressed to find a woman under 50 years old and 150 pounds who I would kick out of bed, and if one were in my bed with the intention of seducing me, I like to think I'd handle the situation with more sensitivity and less karate. In any case, hotness is a combination of factors, and Megan Fox simply doesn't have them. Someone had to say it.